alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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