Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
