I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
