I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize