is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
