Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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