Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
