Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
They should really pass out barf bags in church
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
two words: eviction party
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
