I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
