Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
