Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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