so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I cut my penus on the lid.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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