How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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