i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
We are all done wearing pants today
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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