Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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