hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
