I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
