I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
He better not be in your backpack
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
