hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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