i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Someone shattered a urinal.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
