He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
