Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
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