the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
