how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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