i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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