omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
