You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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