peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
