i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Randomize
