How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
