i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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