i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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