did you get engaged???
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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