Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize