I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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