I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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