i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
What drink are we having for lunch?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Randomize
