allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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