you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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