I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
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