What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
