John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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