Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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