It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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