just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
