so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Pooping to opera.
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