Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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