Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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