the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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