i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
jump out the window naked night went bad
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
