just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
