Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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