if i can run in heels then i can drive
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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