Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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