I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I wish you could order shots online.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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