walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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