tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
