Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
