she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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