So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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